


Girls like girls

by VolunteerFieryDantooinian



Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Body Horror, F/F, Hanahaki Disease, Internalized Homophobia, Smoking, flower symbolism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-10
Updated: 2017-12-10
Packaged: 2019-02-03 11:09:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12747123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VolunteerFieryDantooinian/pseuds/VolunteerFieryDantooinian
Summary: Violets, purple: daydreaming, love between two women.





	Girls like girls

Sabine was exactly 16 years, 8 months, and 20 days old when the first petals came. 2 and a half weeks after she had reunited with Ketsu for the first time in 2 years. She had been sitting in her bedroom with her sketchbook, inking the line art of characters for an idea she'd had a while back that had never come to fruition. Her throat had been scratchy for a few days, but she'd thought nothing of it. She encountered a lot of smoke in her career.

She remembered the confusion that had flooded through her when she coughed a few times into her hand and found a few flower petals. Small and deep purple, speckled with bluish-black. Lighter towards one end than the other. It was a familiar flower- violets, she thought. There was a certain meaning with those, but she couldn't quite recall what that was.

For a while, the petals were very manageable, small and practically unnoticeable. Then came the missions with Ketsu. They were infrequent, but Sabine's throat always ached significantly afterwards. She'd cough up larger petals for a few minutes, breath hitching as she realized they matched Ketsu's eyes. Whether it was a supply run, an intel debriefing, or something more dangerous, she'd always end up choking on a few larger petals afterwards.

At that point, she was concerned. Before, it hadn't been a big deal. She decided to look it up on the holonet, just to check and see if she was dying or some shit.

Just as she'd thought. Early stages of Hanahaki Disease. Flowers growing in your body and lungs as the result of unrequited love. There were only 2 cures for it- removal of the entire "parasite," which made you forget the person you had loved altogether. Or, that love being requited after all.

Sabine's hopes weren't very high, and neither was the rebellion's funding.

She sat on her bed in silence for a few moments, then grabbed her datapad from where it sat. Quickly, and with fumbling fingers, she brought up a document on flower symbolism. After a bit of searching, she found violets. Their description was as follows:

VIOLETS, purple: Daydreaming, love between two women

Ah. Well, she couldn't say she was surprised. So THAT was why she'd remembered it.

Hanahaki disease ran deep in her family. Her father had had it when he was young, and had chosen to forget the woman he'd loved. His flowers had been pear blossoms- symbolizing long-lasting friendship. Oddly enough, he managed to befriend the woman who had caused his bout of Hanahaki disease, and they still talked to this day, as far as she knew.

Her uncle on her mother's side had also contracted the disease, but luckily, his love had been reciprocated. Gardenias were his; they signified secret love.

That love, though, caused him to be ousted from the family- he'd married an outsider, a man, at that, and Sabine's grandparents weren't exactly the most welcoming to non-mandalorians. Her mother, she thought, was a bit more lenient. Maybe she would just be symbolically disowned instead of banned from the Wren home entirely.

On a much worse note, however, her great-aunt had died of Hanahaki. Soft pink cherry blossoms were her flowers, and no one ever knew who her love had been. Sabine had gone to her funeral when she was a child, and though she barely understood what was going on, she did understand that having flowers growing from your body was a hazard. A beautiful death, she thought bitterly. But not something to be romanticized.

It wasn't that big of a deal, though. If she got over her, maybe it would go away.

Months passed and the flowers seemed healthier, bigger, an uncomfortable weight in her chest at all times. She had avoided Ketsu as much as possible, but that was hard. Ketsu was perceptive; if Sabine stayed away for too long with their will-they-won't-they status, she'd be suspicious. If Sabine was around her too long, the disease would progress even quicker.

There wasn't an easy way out, but there had to be a way out that wasn't death or forgetting. Right?

Sabine made sure to go on the next supply run, going with Ezra and no one else. She could trust him, and he snatched stuff all of the time. He wouldn't snitch on her to Kanan and Hera if she told him about her.. Predicament, right?

Walking through quiet, dusty streets, she edged her way into a shop for a few moments. As Ezra pored over the merchandise, she grabbed a carton of cigarettes and a cheap lighter and set them on the counter. She paid quickly, the cashier giving her a pitying look. This wasn't the type of world to card you, luckily, because she wasn't sure about her fake ID.

After they'd acquired what they came for, which was, ironically enough, medical supplies, they had a few hours before the rendezvous with Hera. They found a grove of trees by the edge of the ghost town, and Sabine sat under one, Ezra a few feet away and toying with his lightsaber. She grabbed a cig with unsure hands and clicked her lighter on, setting the end alight. Not exactly sure how to go about this, she took a drag of smoke and held it in her mouth, blowing it out through her nose like the people in holodramas did. It made her cough, burning her throat and leaving a horrendously bitter taste in her mouth. As she coughed, Ezra glanced over.

"Sabine, what the hell?" He asked, a confused look on his face. "Since when have you smoked? That shit kills people, you know," He protested.

"I don't smoke, I just-" She tried to take another drag and coughed harder, breath wheezing as violet-black petals fell into her lap. Ezra froze for a moment and approached her cautiously. The look on his face was one of terror and worry.

"How long?" He asked simply, and she put the cigarette out.

"3 months, give or take a little." She said softly, trying not to strain her voice.

"Do you know who it is? Do I know who it is?" Ezra said softly, and she chuckled a little.

"Ketsu. Knew from the day it started," she said, rubbing her eyes in an effort not to cry. "Force, I'm.. Of all of the people, it had to be her. She used to love me, and now this is gonna kill me... Wait. You didn't even know I liked girls, did you?"

"I didn't directly know, but I've seen the way you look at Ketsu, so I kind of suspected you did. Who am I kidding, yeah, I knew, you just never told me, so I didn't want to assume. My gaydar works pretty well, I guess.." He trailed off.

"Gaydar? Buddy, you don't have gaydar if you're straight." She rolled her eyes, and he snorted.

"Yeah, dude, I'm bi." He shrugged, and her eyes widened.

"Ohhhhh. Makes sense." Sabine shrugged, and before she realized it she was crying. "Ezra, what do I do? Oh kriff, what do I do? I- She doesn't- I don't want to die. Treatment is too expensive a-and-" She trailed off, shivering as she rubbed her eyes.

"Sabine, you know Kanan and Hera. You've known them for longer than I have. They wouldn't let you die. I promise." He soothed, setting a hand on her shoulder. She took in a shaky breath. "I know."

"That's not what I'm worried about." 

 

 

~

 

 

 

She had to tell Ketsu. Or she had to tell someone, anyway. Sure, Ezra was nice to have around when it came to comfort or getting purple-tinged blood off of floor tiles or explaining things away. He was not, however, very helpful when it came to actually solving her problems. Only she could do that. 

Sabine looked at herself in the mirror. Her reflection stared back. She looked.. Tired, empty, eyes red, face pale. Her face was thinner than before, too, with barely a trace of baby-faced roundness remaining. The weight in her chest was heavier, and her flowers now were larger, petals smeared with dark blood as she coughed into the sink. She hadn't been able to breathe properly for a while now, and she knew the others had noticed. She was a liability like this.

 

 

~

 

It was the middle of the night and Sabine woke up sick, sicker than usual, anyway, yanked out of a memory-dream from her academy days. Ketsu's lips on hers, lamplit violet eyes glowing like a sunset in their darkened dormitory, gentle and sweet in a quietly caring way. They'd been in love, that was all Sabine knew, whether it was real-or-not-real. She coughed hard, healthy petals scattering into her hands while she trembled alone. It seemed like she couldn't stop coughing, burning her throat bitterly as petal after petal fell into her lap, and once even an entire flower. Violets, thank goodness, were small flowers. They'd kill her slower. 

She sat on her bed and sobbed, awful whines escaping her throat. She didn't care how loud she was or if anyone heard her. Sabine tried to stop, tried to catch her breath, but that made it worse somehow. It quite literally hurt to breathe, it hurt like the strep infection she'd had a few times when she was a kid. Like she'd swallowed barbed wire, shards of glass, kerosene. For a few moments, the hopeless coughing subsided, and she sat there crying.

It started back up again, and her lips were wet with purple-toned blood, metallic flower petals forcing their way out of her throat. She breathed in deeply, or, rather, she tried to. Agony sliced at her throat, her voice box practically useless for anything but just making pained sobbing noises. 

"Sabine?" Hera's voice was soft and raspy from sleep as the door slid open, and the woman stepped with quiet feet into her room. "I heard you coughing, is everything-"

She froze, eyes fixed on the flower petals strewn around her. Sabine froze, a deer in headlights look caught on her face. Hastily, she gathered the petals and dumped them into the trash bin, coughing as she did so. Hera's face was colorless in the dim light. "Oh, kriff," She exhaled. "Why didn't you tell me? I-" Sabine tried to answer but broke down into tears, hunched over and coughing. She looked at Hera with a tearfully scared expression, downright terrified. 

Wordlessly, Hera sat down across from her on the bed, taking her hand. "Who?" She said quietly. Sabine cried harder and threw her arms around her, entire body shaking with sobs. "Ok. You're gonna be ok. We're gonna figure this out, hon, I promise." Hera stroked her hair, held her tighter. "I promise. I'm not going to let anything happen to you, kiddo. You're gonna be fine, alright?" She reassured, and Sabine nodded. She'd heard a rumor that strong platonic relationships could slow the progression of Hanahaki. Her chest hurt a little less. 

"Ketsu." Sabine said softly, voice torn to shreds by her coughing. She pulled gently out of Hera's embrace, but kept holding her hand. That helped significantly when one was utterly terrified. Her eyes widened for a minute. 

"Ohhhhh," Hera said softly. "I can't say I'm surprised." She said, smiling a little. "I think.. No, I know everything is gonna be fine, Sabine. You know how I know?"

"How?"

Hera smiled. "The way she looks at you," Her eyes were soft all of a sudden. "I know that look." She laughed, and Sabine knew precisely what she meant by that. "You have to get some sleep, alright?" Sabine nodded, and Hera hugged her again, then hopped off of her bed. "You're gonna be fine."

 

 

 

 

~

 

 Morning came. Not much had changed. Sabine's throat still hurt, there was still blood in her mouth, she was still exhausted. But Hera seemed to think she had a chance.

Sabine opened her holocomm and typed in Ketsu's code. She waited as the device attempted to connect. Silence for a few minutes, then: 

"Sabine! It's been a while, how are you holding up?" Ketsu exclaimed, grinning that sunlight grin of hers. Sabine stifled a cough. 

"Alright. Listen, Ket, I need to talk to you, it's important. Can you meet me in an hour? Is that alright?" 

Ketsu was silent for a little. "Is everything okay? You don't sound great, 'Bine." 

"I'm fine, Ketsu, I promise. Listen, I have to go. I'll see you later?" She said hopefully, practically begging her.

"You'll see me later." She said softly, and their call ended. 

It seemed like time passed excruciatingly slowly. She tried to draw, she tried to think, but all she could think about was Ketsu, and the fact that the flowers were nearly whole now, bright and healthy. That meant she was close. Too close for comfort. 

Her door slid open with an automatic hiss. 

“Hey.” Oh, thank goodness. It was just Ezra. 

“Hey, Ezra,” Sabine said softly, getting down from her bunk. “What’s up?” 

“Ketsu called me, asked if everything was ok. I told her it was, that you had to talk to her about something important. She seemed... really worried, Sabine. Do you think she knows?” He inquired. 

“No. I just told her to come by in.. Shit. Around now, actually? Told her that I needed to talk,” She explained, and Ezra nodded. “Force, I’m scared. I don't want to be, but I'm scared. I talked to Hera last night. She thinks I'll be ok, but.." Sabine looked at the floor, and Ezra patted her shoulder reassuringly. 

"You'll be alright." He said. "Good luck, Sabine."

"Thanks."

Ezra walked out and she sat alone, room dim, staring at the floor. She stifled a cough, angrily shoved another flower into the trash can. The door hissed again, and Sabine's breath caught in her throat. She looked up.

"Hey, Sabs. Miss me?" Ketsu's voice was warm and soft, but her violet-shaded eyes made Sabine wince. 

"Yeah, I.. Yeah." She said softly, embarrassed, face flushed. Quickly she stood and Ketsu hugged her, gently, knowing she needed it. Sabine hugged her back with abandon, trembling a little. Almost imperceptibly. Almost.

"Are you okay? You didn't sound so good earlier, I heard you coughing, you know. Flu is always going around, no matter what planet you're on." Ketsu worried, pressed the back of her hand to her forehead with a gentleness that made Sabine's heart skip a beat. "Hm. You're.. Freezing, actually." She still sounded worried. "Now, what did you want to talk to me about?"

Sabine froze, meeting her eyes cautiously. She tried to speak, she really did, but she just started to cough, chest hitching painfully as she sank to the floor. Wilted, almost. Metallic petals stuck to her hands, lips wet with blood. "Sabine, oh my-" Ketsu dropped to the ground next to her. Took her free hand. Her chest burned, agonizing fire dripping through her very bones. "Sabine, come on, you gotta talk to me, alright? Do you know who it is? How long?" 

She couldn't say it out loud. Slowly, they locked eyes, and she saw a flicker of recognition in Ketsu's violet gaze. Sabine was tearing up, fat tears dripping down her face, hot as she kept on coughing, kept on withering. ".....Oh." Her voice was quiet. Sabine looked away, and she could barely breathe now, vision feathering at the the edges. "Sabine. Sabine, look at me! Look at me." Ketsu cried, and she was crying now too. She gently cupped Sabine's face and tilted her head towards her. She was silent for a second, and then-

On instinct, Sabine kissed her, throwing her arms around her neck and knowing that if she died, she'd have died... Happy-ish. Ketsu's lips were intensely warm compared to hers, and though she froze up at first, she leaned in after a second or two. Sabine felt her lungs clear, vision return, and she felt better than she had in months, years, even. They separated. Sabine took a deep breath, grinned radiantly at Ketsu, and then her vision went all... Blurry, and she couldn't move very well, but she definitely wasn't dead. Breathing that much after so long had made her incredibly, incredibly dizzy, and she vaguely heard Ketsu saying her name over and over. 

 "Sabine.. Sabine! Are you alright?" Ketsu's voice was shaky. Sabine's vision cleared, and she realized she was half sprawled across Ketsu's lap, being gently cradled in her arms. She chuckled softly, kissing her again, soft lips yielding warmth. Pulling out of the kiss, she kept their foreheads together. Sabine remembered Hera's words and pressed closer, humming softly. 

"I'll be fine.. And the flowers were violets, Ket. Those are the gay ones."

 And at that moment, all seemed right in the world.


End file.
